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Guide To Computers

Basic Computer terms

Hardware: This is part of the computer that breaks when you spill coffee on it.

Software: These are programs which process the information and returns the 800 number so you can call to India and get help.

Megahertz: Mega means BIG. This is the INTERNET size of hertz. On the Internet all gay men have at least 9" of hertz.

RAM: Random Access Memory, if you're a guy, all you need to know is you need the BIGGEST possible piece of RAM you can get.

ROM: This is when someone misspells RAM.

Virus Protection: That is a condom for your computer.

Internet: This is a place to look at naked people.

Download: This is a way to get the pornography on a DVD if you're too chicken to rent porn.

DOS Prompt: This is a game you play on Windows Computers. Basically the prompt says


And the object of the game is to type something in the computer that will not return the message:

Bad Command or File Name

Operating Systems

These are the kinds of operating systems by Microsoft:

Windows 3.1
Windows 3.111
Windows 95
Windows 9 To 5
Windows For Workgroups
Windows For Those Who Don't Work
Windows NT
Windows MT
Windows 98
Windows 98 SE
Windows 98 EZ
Windows 2000
Windows ME
Windows YOU
Windows XP
Windows Lite
Windows Atkins
Windows For Hackers

And finally...

The Artist Formerly Known As Windows. This is also called Apple Computers. Hippies use these computers.

The next generation operating system, by Microsoft, will come next year it's called Windows VISTA. It's called that because it takes up more RAM but is made in China. Therefore the computers need a VISA to come to the United States but VISA is owned by the credit card company so they just stuck the letter "T" in the middle to make it legal.

There is also Linux operating system. Charles M Schulz invented this, I guess.

Oh yes there is also two older operating systems. The first is called UNIX. This is for people without genitalia. And there is also O/S-2 this is used by 3 people who work for IBM.

These operating systems are all the same. None work very well, they all routinely crash. Now by constantly having to updating versions, and leaving security holes for virus writers and hackers, computer software writers ensure they have a job.

Kinds of Software you need

Computers are unique in that they don't actually do anything. You need software to make them do anything.

Word Processor

Microsoft Word
WuRD fur nonspeelrs
Corel WordPerfect
Corel WordAdequate
Lotus Word Pro
Louts Word Amateur

You should get the kind that has 10,000 functions that no one in the world ever had any conceivable use for.

Email Program:

Email is important because it allows you to accidentally send your resume to everyone in the world at once.

Electronic Schedule:

This is a great little device. Now instead of writing your appointments in a small black book weighing 2 ounces that can be conveniently stored in your breast pocket; you can write them in that book, take the book home, open up your scheduling program on your computer and transcribe the appointments into it. Then you can transload the appointments from your home computer to your laptop computer, that weighs 15 pounds. This is much better to carry around as not only do you have your schedule but also you get to workout at the same time.

Checkbook writer

Make sure you get one of these. Instead of having to cover your checkbook so the lady behind you in line can't see your checking account number you simply put in your checking account number, the routing number and your money into the checkbook money manager program and trust that a bunch of complete strangers who you never met, have written a program that will automatically pay your bills over the internet.

The best part is you can be totally oblivious to all your money matters and if you make a mistake paying your taxes or overdraw your checking account it wasn't your fault. Not to mention it builds trust, in that you believe these software writers are not collecting your personal banking information from the software they wrote.

Free Cell

This is the most important feature of any computer. Study after study has shown if you goof off at work your boss can tell by your lack of concentration, that you are indeed goofing off. But Free Cell a solitaire game on your computer will force you to concentrate on something thus it will look like you're working, at least to your boss.

How To Install Software

What you want to do is first is check to see if your computer has what the software needs to be installed it will look something like this:

3213 RAM
324321 ROM
2010 RPM

Now once you open box of software you find the big thick book of instructions. You throw that out.

Next you will find a sealed disc or CD. The seal says:

"By breaking this seal you automatically limit our liability to replacing this seal. No liablity real or implied applies to any computer part of yours or any computer future generations of yours will ever own, in perpetuity

Then you go and find a child aged 7-12 and have him install the software.

If no child can be found, you insert the CD or disk. A message will appear on the screen that says

"System has been rendered inoperable. Do you wish to continue?" You will be given three choices of:

"Pressing any other button renders your system inoperable."

You will then hear a lot of noise; this is caused by your GUI. It's called that because the noise sounds like Grrr Urrrr Iiii.

Then a message will appear saying, "Ok, well that's enough of that. Please attempt to run our software."

Once you attempt to run the software you'll get the following message:

Thank you for using our software, unfortunately we have upgraded to the newer version of this software and no longer offer support for this version you have just installed. Please press print for a coupon good for 10% off our latest version. Any attempt to run this current version renders your system inoperable. Coupons printed off your home computer will not be honored.

Word Processing

This is the single most important function of a computer. This allows you to write so people can read. You see in the old days people had to copy things by hand and everyone's handwriting was illegible.

This is why Shakespeare and Chaucer are unreadable to everyone today. Because people had to copy them by hand, and no one could really read what the previous person wrote, so as they copied it they just made up words.

For those of you not in America, our system basically works like this. In kindergarten and first grade we teach kids how to PRINT. We give them that paper with those lines about the size of Michael J Fox. And you write A or X in them. Now everyone's handwriting is legible at that point, because you can only write three letters on a page.

Around 3rd grade when the children are just getting the hang of writing on normal sized lines on normal sized paper, we then teach them to write cursive. This change ensures that teachers will have a job, and keep their young minds off of sex.

Cursive is a very important skill to learn, as it is a kind of writing that is legible only to the person writing it. Providing he reads it back to himself every hour so he won't forget.

This type of writing used to stay in place forever for males, and it stayed in place till High School for females. At that point we would teach the fairer sex to write Shorthand. There are 3 types of shorthand. Pitman, Gregg and "I'll Just Make Scribbles So People Can Think I Can Write Shorthand."

Medical Students also learn how to write some script called Rx.

But now with the advent of the Word Processor we can eliminate all types of writing people do.

Word Processors have a great tool called Spell Check, you just type gibberish into the computer and hit F7 on your keyboard and all your words magically turn out correct.

For instance a typical Business letter not spell checked:

Der Mre Payne:

ut Wz viry gret tooo meeet yu. I luok furwerd 2 see you inn toun the nex tiym you com

Simply type it in and hit F7 and you get a correctly spelled letter

Deer Mr Pain:

It was vary grate two meet ewe. Aye look fore ward too seeing ewe inn town the next thyme you cum.

The Internet

This is the main reason to own a computer. You can do many things with the Internet. For instance, with Internet you can look at naked people. You can look at naked people making airline reservations. You can look at naked people; paying their bills online and most importantly you can look at naked people. If you have kids it's a great research tool. They can look at naked people reading encyclopedias

The Internet is very popular because in real life, most naked people are too busy having fun to talk to you, but on the Internet they will talk to you.

Internet Q&A

Q) What is the Internet?
A collection of porn sites.

Q) Who runs it?
13 year old children on

Q) How do you get online?
You can get a connection from the cable company, the DSL Company, but the fastest way is via the phone. You get a disk from AOL. This used to be a very successful company. Now they are so desperate for business all you do is put the disk by your computer and leave your windows and doors open. AOL burglars come in and install the disc for you. The nice thing about AOL is they automatically bill you for life and even after.

Q) They bill me after I die?

Q) How would I cancel?
If you're dead what do you care if they bill you?

Q) What can I do with the Internet?
Look at naked people.

Q) Is that all?
Heavens no you can CHAT with naked people.

Q) Is everyone naked?
No, no one is actually naked. Everyone is just are pretending.

Q) So I can chat with people who are lying about being naked?
And also lie about what they look like.

Q) So how does it work?
Well you find a chat room what interests you. There are millions of chat rooms. From religious people talking about sex, to poets writing about sex. Heck, there is even rooms for school age kids. This is so they can talk about how they wish they were old enough to have sex. And you can be blunt because everyone is using a fake name.

Q) How would I know their real identities?
Oh if you ever knew them for real you'd be scared. And there is everything from priests to prisoners online.

Q) Really?
No, they're all 13 year old boys.

Q) All?
Well some are old men pretending to be 13 year old boys.

Q) Do they EVER talk about anything but sex?
Sometimes they talk about how they aren't getting any sex.

Here's a typical transcript from a typical chatroom on Gay.Com

ThreeOThree: Hi Everyone
zero0zero0: Are you young
Chi32: Hi 303
BriGuy: Sup

(no one talks for 5 minutes)

AlabaMan: Anyone downtown
Three0Three: No
zero0zero0: Are you young
BriGuy: Sorry
LesGirl: I'm in Uptown

(Another five minute pause)

PenisBoy: Hi Room
FrogBoy: Hi
zero0zero0: Are you young?
LesGirl: Howdy
PenisBoy: What's up
Chi32: HA HA Penis UP that is so funny
Jason60611: Take off your panties LesGirl
LesGirl: I'm a guy
PenisBoy: Anything happening
zero0zero0: Any young guys want to chat
TexAss: Texas Here

(No one talks for 10 minutes)

PenisBoy: Gotta Run
FrogBoy: Bye
Mulva: Bye Bye
TexAss: He was so hot
zero0zero0: Who was? Was he young
ModelMan: You may all masturbate to my pictures but old guys don't message me
BriGuy: U's fugly M-man
ModelMan: Byte Me old man

(Another five minute pause)

LickMyAss: Hi Room
FrogBoy: That's gross
LesGirl: What's gross
zero0zero0: Are you young
TexAss: Texas here
BriGuy: Frog isn't into rimming
LesGirls: I have whitewalls on my rims
TexAss: Why don't you look at the pix double Z
AlabaMan: Anyone downtown
Aaron60611: Can You say cheap ass. You have to pay to see pix
Chi32: He only talks to twinks
Mulva: I'm Back
Jason60611: Hi Mulva Missed you
Nada: What's up room
FrogBoy: Kinda slow
zero0zero0: Are you young
TexAss: Texas here

And it goes on like this for hours

Other Uses For The Internet

Q) Aside from Chatting and Porn what else can I do?
Well you can go on a thing called Usenet. If you have a Usenet reader. If not, you have to use google groups.

Q) Usenet? Is that part of the Internet?
Yes, before WWW, the Internet consisted of TelNet, IRC, Gopher, Email, FTP and a few more things.

Q) What are all those?
Very inconvenient ways to talk about sex and look at naked people.

Q) What is a google group?
It's a place where people, too cheap to pay for a Usenet reader, go to post lies about celebrities.

Q) Like who?
Like Clay Aiken, Rosie O'Donnell and Madonna.

Q) What do they say?
Well someone says they love Clay Aiken, and everyone else posts messages saying he isn't gay. Then a few people see that everyone is getting along, so they say he is gay. This is called a flame war.

Q) That's like preschool.

Q) Does Usenet have sex on it?
Millions of forums and binaries.

Q) Binaries?
Binaries are photos. Usenet is a place where people can post illegally copied pictures so the entire world can dowload them without having to pay the owner of those pictures their rightfully earned money.

Q) Are they all about sex?
Yes. However some are of Clay Aiken having sex with a woman. Those are called fake pics.

Internet Shorthand

Now because the Internet is fast you have to learn the shortcuts.

The two most common are <g> and :)

They stand for "grin" and "happy face." You have to look at the :) sideways so you can see it properly

smiley jpg

Here are some common abbreviations on the Internet:

People use this when they write stuff that isn't even remotely funny but they think they can make it funny by putting a :) after it.

Laugh Out Loud
This indicates that the WRITER is laughing out loud. You use this to affirm that the <g> is funny

Rolling On The Floor Laughing
This is funnier than LOL, on the Internet the hilarity never ends

Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off
People with big butts who wish they could lose weight use this.

In My Humble Opinion
This is used by the writer because people who read posts are too stupid to realize that of course it is the writers opinion, because if it was someone else's opinion it'd be under another screen name

Smiley faces are actually cause emoticons because some lame ass trademarked the name Smileys. They help people understand things.

For instance if I wrote:

Six Million Jews were slaughtered by the Germans in World War II

Now how could we know this is a BAD thing, unless we use a sad smiley face :(

Let's try this again:

Six Million Jews were slaughtered by the Germans in World War II :(

Now you are POSTIVE the Holocaust isn't a good thing.

There are many kinds of emoticons
:)   Happy Face
:(   Sad Face
:o)  Happy Face with a nose
:-(  Sad Face because his nose is too long
:-|  Person with a long nose, neither sad nor happy
;)   Person winking
.)   Happy person who got an eye poked out.
:)8  Person happy he has a bow tie

So now you know EVERYTHING about computers and the Internet.

Now let's all go look at naked people!


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